“Time is a gift, given to you, given to give you the time you need, the time you need to have the time of your life. ”
- Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
I had a birthday in November. And truth be told, I totally get suckered into reading the typically cheesy, 'letters to my younger self/ things I have learned/ things I'd do differently' type of stuff.
However, fret not! My cynicism has won out, and I have compiled a list of spoiler alerts from the future for my 15 year old self, enjoy!
Dear Liz of the past, this is Liz of the future. Believe it or not, this stuff is going to happen:
- You spend too much money at Starbucks, knock it off.
- In a year or so, a guy named Jay-Z is going to put out a song called, 'Money, Cash, Hoes' ... embrace him, he only gets better.
- You skip too much school ... high school, and college. Stop thinking you are cool, and just go to class.
- Remember those portable phones that are housed in bags that were on display at the bank? It is only the beginning! Technology is going to boggle your mind, very soon.
- There will be these shoes called Uggs and Crocs. They are repulsive, but do not worry, you dodge both of those bullets; good job.
- Train, Maroon 5, and Nickelback are the worst bands on the planet.
- Your Gramma gets more stingy (believe it) as time passes. Your birthday/ Christmas gifts bottom out at a single $5.00 bill; believe it.
- Getting your wisdom teeth pulled is no joke.
- You get hit in the face and have to get stitches in 2004, also not a walk in the park. Your roommates entertain you by doing yoga in the waiting room of the emergency room, and you reprimand the doctor who tries to sew your face up while he is chomping on gum inches away from your open wound.
- Ronald Reagan dies on June 5, 2004. (6/5/04, it is easy to remember) You wait for hours and hours and hours to see him laying in state a few days later.
- Yasser Arafat dies a few days after your birthday in 2004. You find out via a phone call from your dad saying, "I was hoping that terrorist bastard would die on your birthday, but he lived an extra 3 days." This conversation baffles you.
- You are going to visit Italy in 2005.
- You jump out of a plane ... not in Italy.
- In college, after you get to your French class, you take your sunglasses off the top of your head and place them on the desk behind you so you can take off your hoodie. You never retrieve your glasses. Gone forever. They were pretty dope shades, and you really miss them.
- Anderson Cooper is gay.
- So is Ellen DeGeneres.
- You will own something called an iPod Shuffle. You keep it in your car for when you go to the gym. It will be stolen from your unlocked car one night. Someone will acquire the greatest 200+ song playlist that exists.
- You finally get around to getting a driver's license when you are 19. You get speeding tickets in Connecticut as well as Virginia. You get bunches of parking tickets all over the campus of G.Mason University.
- I am proud to report that you are one of the few people who refuses to use the word 'epic,' and even worse, the words, 'epic fail.'
- Start trying to figure out the difference between 'further' and 'farther.'
- Do not be late to the party, read The Hunger Games books when they are released instead of waiting two years because 1. you think the covers are stupid, and 2. they are kids' books.
- Hunger Games, the movie, is going to disappoint you.
- Your computer is going to die in 2009. You lose ALL of your PICTURES and MUSIC. Years later this still
- It happens, you fall in love with a cat. I know, it is a tough pill to swallow.
- The Oprah show goes off the air in 2011.
- Hoverboards are still not real.
- You will eventually enjoy eating avocados.
- You will have a thing called a blog. A few people will read it. Your mom will not; she cannot get over the fact that the word, 'blog' is a bit "bizarre", and, "doesn't even sound like a real word."
- Your spelling is still a-tro-cious.
- You scowl too much.
- There will be plenty of times that you will feel lost and disenchanted.
- You will realize that Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and The Phantom Tollbooth are not children's books, but instead the harsh realities of growing up ... sometimes.
- Some awful things happen in the future. Terrorist attacks, mass shootings, hellacious natural disasters, sorry to be a buzzkill. Resiliency is nothing to take for granted.
- A guy named Steve Jobs will give a commencement speech at Stanford in 2005; you should watch it on a thing called YouTube.